Tech Support

I had to call for tech. support on setting up a computer router the other night.

As usual the woman who answered is from East India, and has a rather strong accent so I have to ask her to repeat herself a number of times. She always does this very politely. Surprisingly once during the conversation she laughed. I was trying to lighten things up as they always seem to be so ‘business’ on tech support lines, though I don’t know, she may have just been laughing at me.

I recently heard of a book put out in India, a bestseller describing how most Americans have the mental capacity of a 10 year old. The advice given to them is not to get too upset with us when having such dealings as the one we were having. This remains in the back of my mind. As we’re talking I’m imagining a very different conversation.

“Just listen to my instructions. It will be very easy.” When she’s really thinking, “You simple minded American. I will make this so easy for you. There’s no way even you could get it wrong.”

“Now type in A as in Apple, C as in Charlie, D as in David.” I was so confused at this point. I don’t know if it was because of my own nervousness or her accent. I heard her say Apple, Charlie, and David, and I’m thinking, “You want me to type in what?” Meanwhile she’s thinking, “You simple American, I know you may be still having trouble with the alphabet so I will come up with a simple word for each letter.” I finally ask her to just say the letter. She continues, “A as in apple, C as in Charlie, D as in…”

Focus, focus. She’s taking me through various screens now, and asking me to verify and type in our IP numbers. “Okay now on this page you see the word Administration. Click it.” I’m looking; I’m looking, as fast as I can. Come on, where is it. I’m laughing now; she thinks I’m an idiot. I can’t find it anywhere. “Have you clicked it” she says, “the word Administration?” “I can’t find it, I can’t find it!” “Okay, so click on the word Administration.” Thinking, shit! By this time I’m sure she’s at the point of something like, “I hope you and your entire family die a slow and painful death”, as I hear silence on the other end. “There it is.” “You’ve clicked administration?” “Yes, I found it.”

“This is very easy”, she says. Somehow at this point I am no longer reassured. My worst fear is that my level of stress will continue to increase until my mental capacity totally gives out. At this point I will no longer understand a word she says, and I’ll only be able to answer in childlike gurgles, as she admonishes me. “This is very easy. Even a 10 year old child could do this. Please try again.” My worst fear is that she is right, I am a blistering idiot.